A 12 inch by 12 inch fan set on high that can drown out the noise of a thousand dump trucks, ambulances and honking horns. Audible signs that there's a million people hidden on the street outside.
It's the noisiest kind of silence you've ever heard.
Sitting here with a kindle in one hand and a softback book in the other. Dreaming of what the views must be like in those buildings up there. Dozing off deeper into the dream, waking up to finish it.
The fear didn't just immediately melt away when I made up my mind to go on this adventure. No, first fear tried to bring all its friends, every single one of my insecurities, along on this vacation.
Fear said my life would never be the same.
"It's so expensive to live here, you'll probably never have a savings account."
"It's really hard to meet friends here, especially after college."
"No one in this city is serious about dating."
"It's not an easy city to run in, so your days of half marathons are probably over."
"Your friends back home will move on without you, you'll grow apart."
"Congrats on moving to New York, now you're just gonna be old, poor and single, out of shape and without any friends. You're so brave."
But apparently fear doesn't know me well. It doesn't know that I've read the entire 158 section on the dewey decimal list of self help books. Oh, or that I saw Frozen two times in theaters.
Shhh, don't tell fear, but I'm using it. Using it to decide what I have to do. I'm going for the jugular on things that scare me, that tell me I'm not good enough, strong enough or smart enough to make it. I'm doing them, and in the process, I'm finding that most of the horror is only imagined.
You don't always end up old, poor, single, out of shape or without friends. Sometimes you do, and when that happens, it's not nearly as bad as you've envisioned it to be.
I'm not afraid to say that I miss Nashville, and every single friend in it. I'm also not frightened to say that this is the second hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
A good friend texted me, "Please write another blog. Mkay thanks."
She's right. I've put off this post for long enough. Unsure of where to start when everything is new. When everything is a process -- great today, down tomorrow. But here I go.
By now you've heard. It was the coldest winter that any of our minds have on record. We swore that we'd never be able to stand it like this again. Four blocks felt like 24 when the icy gusts cut across your face. Sunglasses make for necessary windshields.
It was a season that we wished away, but some pretty good stuff happened, too. Here's what's been going on with me in New York.
I moved to Manhattan! (Chelsea to be exact.) I've got three roomies, and we all get along great.
I started a new job at Centro. And I love it. My coworkers have been a saving grace.
I've been eating some freaking amazing food. Like, A LOT. My favorites so far are Aria, Joseph Leonard, Left Bank, and Barraca. Oh, and I almost forgot Jacob's Pickles, too. (How's that for an expert culinary review? Just trust me and go to these places if you're ever in town.)
I went to Chicago, Dallas, Connecticut, and DC all since January. Oh, and I've been in New York a little bit, too.
Several friends have visited, and several more are coming soon. It's always nice to see a familiar face.
I joined new kickball teams. Yes, two. By semi-accident. This is the view from the field...
Bottom line: It has taken me a solid 4 months to get into a routine, but now I finally feel like I'm making this city my home. It's a huge city in the middle of a still small world. The whirlwind of the move is beginning to die down as I'm getting settled. Fears, though not instantly vanishing, are going away as I do what they say I can't.
So, today, I leave you with this advice:
Don't listen to them when they say, 'be afraid.'
Even when it comes disguised as the words, 'oh wow, you're brave' or 'you've got a lot of guts.'
What they mean without even knowing they mean it is that you have a reason to be scared.
Don't listen to them when they say these things.
Even when 'them' is the voices in your own head.
The only thing you have to be fearful of is sitting still.
Not sitting still as in relaxing. You're going to need some brain breaks, you're going to need some days of doing absolutely nothing and missing out on everything. You have to slow down.
Sitting still has nothing to do with physical activity and everything to do with your state of mind. Sitting still is having all the same viewpoints for 30 years. Sitting still is having all your friends look and act exactly like you. Sitting still is knowing only the same things you knew before. Sitting still is not believing in yourself, thinking you're not good enough, saying you're too busy, staying too busy to be involved in something really worth your while. It's not thinking a little deeper. It's choosing not to dwell in the moments of discomfort because they remind you of insecurities you'd rather not see.
But I know you, and I know you're better than that.
You can chase your dreams without needing everything to fall into place first. You can dwell in the discomfort thanking God that your insecurities show what you can overcome. Be thankful because in the end, gratitude turns what you have into more than enough.
Love y'all.