There were four other open seats. I repeat: there were FOUR other open seats, so I immediately began questioning why he chose to sit in the one closest to me. Oh, forget it... I'll never understand teenagers anyways.
He'd been sitting there for a few minutes before I began to get paranoid that he was reading my blog. Surely he was reading these words as I was typing them. Why doesn't he just nod his head as he's reading to let me know? (Hint, hint, kid.)
Soon after I wrote that sentence, I saw him nervously glance my way -- surely he had been caught! But then out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of his phone. That's when I realized that he was just as nervous that I had been looking at his snapchats this whole time.
Well, at least we were in the same boat. Err, plane.
I was headed back to Nashville on Christmas Eve. And even though I had only been gone a little over two weeks, it felt like two months. (Admittedly, I had imagined myself as Kevin, wondering who had noticed that I was gone.) A lot has happened in the past two and a half weeks.
They have been a whirlwind to say the least. New city, new apartment, new art for the walls, new roommates, new job, new subway system, new coworkers, new grocery store, new church, new, new, new, new. It's no wonder that I've been stumped on what to write for this post because it seems like everything is new. I didn't know how to start the update, so maybe that's why I've put off writing it for so long.
Therefore, I have decided to skip over all of those things and write about what I prefer to write about. My feelings and what I'm learning. I'm a cancer, so get over it... I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS.
(But in case you're still wondering, the new job and life happenings are great. Call me and I'll give you any details you want! Also, big thanks to Greg, Lana and Merilee for making me feel at home here.)
Now to the learning part. Where I get to talk about staying in on Saturday nights and other stuff that scares the shit out of me. Like going for it 100%.
Have I ever told you about my fear of missing out? #FOMO as they call it. Sure, it makes for a catchy hashtag, but for a crappy way of living. I pause here to make sure you're not confusing it with: #YOLO - you only live once. No, #FOMO is the philosophy that you have to do everything because you're afraid of missing anything. Jumping around moment to moment without fully living in any of them. Just doing everything there is to do so you can say you did. That's #FOMO.
I have enjoyed having #FOMO for a while now, as I love trying new things. But as I get older (not saying I'm old -- just older), I find trying to do everything completely exhausting. Over the past year, I've noticed a desire within myself to live fewer experiences more deeply.
I realize I moved to the wrong city to make that goal easier on myself.
Or did I?
What I'm learning (even within two weeks) is that sometimes it's okay to miss out. No, I'll dare to say: sometimes it's good to miss out.
Some of my missing out has happened naturally as a result from my big move. I miss out on seeing my friends. I miss out on our regular hangouts. This kind of missing out can feel isolating, and the social meds are eager to drum up feelings of loneliness in this city of a gazillion. That kind of missing out sucks. But it requires more effort to keep up with the people that I truly care about. And I think - and beg to have the faith - that this is getting me closer to what I need. I know that I will find a way to grow closer to the friends who will stick with me on this journey.
Then there are the other things I miss out on as a result of NYC being a massively huge city. There are endless options of things to do constantly. If you can dream up something you want to do, it is undoubtedly here. So, there's absolutely no way that I can attend everything that I'd like to in this great city. I will always end up missing out on something. Err, A LOT of things. And this in itself challenges my longstanding notion that I have to do as much as I can.
Quickly, New York is teaching me that I can't do everything.
And as much as I hate it, I love it for the same reason. Joseph Campbell (or E.M. Forster) once said: "We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
I am finding this more true every day.
I believe that we must create space in our lives if we want great things to happen. We can't fill every waking moment with busyness and then become frustrated that we don't have time for our dreams. And after we create that space, then we must have the faith that our dreams will happen.
In the past, I've been over-eager to fill all the empty space in my life with fun happenings and people. And while they have led me on many exciting adventures and into amazing experiences, I realize that I'm at a crossroads in my life. One that is calling me to take pause with life. To slow down and smell the roses. To look around, evaluate, and realign. To reflect, meditate and trust. To stop, collaborate and listen. Okay, I got carried away.
But seriously, how often do we fill our lives with busyness just so we won't notice how alone we feel? The answer, at least for me, is too often. Perhaps I'm not the only one. This new year, I'm hoping to embrace the awkward silence, the loneliness and the dreaded absence of many good friends. It won't be easy. But I think it is necessary.
By doing so, I hope to go deeper with my relationships, experiences and ultimately with my personal dreams.
Cheers to 2014! Love y'all!