Two years ago this Independence Day, I was sitting with one of my best friends at the ESSENCE Festival and questioning the direction of my life. Less than six months later, I would end up moving across the country.
Looking back to that July, there’s an obvious connection between the incredible event that is ESSENCE Festival and my making up my mind to move outside my comfort zone. I blame Niecy Nash, who was one of the panelists that day, for the inspiration.
“Make a list of all the things you want in a mate. Then go out and be that list.” I remember her encouraging the crowd to be the influence in their own lives that they wished other people had been on them.
The past few weeks and a couple of recent conversations with good friends have given me déjà vu of sitting in that convention center in the middle of New Orleans, dreaming of beignets and hearing unbelievably moving speeches by civil rights leaders and inspiring figures like Iyanla Vanzant. It reminded me of the plan I created for myself following that event to become the person I wanted to be, a positive influence on others.
It was one of the most powerful experiences I’ve been through, and it’s a lesson I enjoy relearning every year to focus my attention on the good. If you’re finding yourself weighed down by everyday life, unsure of what’s really bothering you, listening to Damien Rice and Adele on repeat as you sob into your pillow each night, maybe it’s time to cleanse your life of negativity.
The Negativity Cleanse
This a 30-day manifesto for attracting positivity into your life. Here are the basics:
This cleanse is about YOU. It signifies getting rid of the junk that’s been collecting in your mind. It’s not about other people and what “they” do to you or in your presence. It’s not about controlling their actions; it’s about having self-control in order to improve yourself. It’s much easier to point fingers towards other people and blame them for the negative in your life. But at the end of the day, you are the only one in control of your mindset, so it’s up to you (and only you) what you will focus on.
Fill your mind with goodness. Make a detailed plan to spend more time where your passions are. Focus on what gives you energy, what gets you excited. Make it a rule not to spend your personal time with people, things or in places that drain you mentally/emotionally during these next 30 days. If one of your friends drains you every single time you talk/hangout, don’t spend time with that person during the cleanse. If you spend 20 minutes creating art and always leave feeling renewed and energized, then find more time to create art. You get the point, create time for the things that give you life. We both know you don’t have extra time in your day so your plan should decide what you’re going to give up in order to start investing in yourself.
Commit to yourself that you will be you. Promise yourself that you will do what makes you light up no matter who comments or has snide remarks to give, even if they are clothed in humor, even if they come from your closest friends. If you’re like me, write. I know writing helps me learn about myself in ways I otherwise wouldn’t, so I’m writing. The key is to write for yourself, not for an audience, at least not during this cleanse. F Scott Fitzgerald said, “You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.” This should apply to writing and non-writing. If you receive non-constructive negative criticism, practice positive self-talk. Talk to yourself like you’d talk to a friend that needs your encouragement. You surely wouldn’t be as hard on them as you are on yourself.
Once you’re in the right mindset, it’s time to build new habits. Do these things for 30 days.
Cut back. Use what you need, but not more. Get rid of what you don’t use. Give it away to someone in need or sell it and save the money. Have you ever thought about how the clutter in your life weighs you down? It puts strain on your mental capacity. For me, finances are a point of clutter, so I have agreed not to buy any new clothes for 30 days. And I will get rid of 25% of my clothes when I move this weekend. In a previous negativity cleanse, I unsubscribed from all email newsletters that I received from retailers. Simplifying your daily life can remove unnecessary stress and distractions, and help to focus on priorities. Kill the false busyness and unnecessary extras that fill your day, keep a simple and tidy environment this month.
Set boundaries. This will look different for everyone, but to find where you need boundaries, look at what drains your energy. For example, if you’re a workaholic, tell your office that for the next 30 days, you will be leaving by 7pm. You need to know the work will survive without you, and you need room to breathe and create new routines. You must leave energy for other things if you’re currently using work to numb other areas of your life. Too, the more fulfilled you are with your whole life, the better your work will end up being.
Break mindless cycles. What are you doing without even thinking? If there’s a social media outlet you feel addicted to, one (or 4) that immediately scares you to think of a week without, or one that you run to when you procrastinate, deactivate it or at least delete the app for now. You need to know that you can live without it, especially if you find yourself comparing lives through it. (The rule I create for myself is to limit social media time to 15 minutes a day.)
Meditate. Find a way to stop. Stop doing, stop analyzing, stop planning. Just meditate. Whether it be through prayer or yoga or whatever works for you. Part of the cleanse is to create quiet space in your life without the constant urge to fill the space with busyness. There’s a zen saying: Meditate for an hour every day unless you are too busy. In that case meditate for two hours.
Establish a go-to guide. It helps to have a friend who understands what you want to do and why. When things go wrong, and they always do when I’m starting to cleanse, reach out to them and let them know how you’re doing with your positive thinking, tell them where you’ve been successful that week, and where you’ve already seen a change. It’s gonna be tough, but it’s better with a friend who understands.
Go deeper, not wider with your friends. You don’t need another channel to connect with more friends right now. Stop looking at them on instagram and call them. Better yet, turn off your phone and go see them. Go one step further than you normally do. (If this scares you because you need Facebook to remember their birthday, try keeping a calendar instead.)
What the Negativity Cleanse is not.
The cleanse is not tuning out all negativity. That’d be impossible, plus it’s not really the point. The point is to generate a more positive self. Negativity will always exist, both inward and outward, but cutting the big sources that feed negativity and drain your energy are key.
The cleanse is also not about avoiding all your problems or issues. You must know your challenges, but it’s just as important to understand your role in solving them. Not if, but when you come into contact with challenges to your new self, things that get under your skin, dig deeper and find out why those things affect you so deeply. Don’t settle with saying, “Man, this really sucks.” Instead say, that’s an opportunity for me to do something good and this is how I’m going to do it.
It’s not about never saying anything negative. But it is about avoiding gossip, blaming, finger pointing and other negative one-sided talk. It IS about a focus on truth and authenticity with those who have earned a right to share in your story. It’s not about avoiding hard conversations, but rather, pulling up a chair with your ‘enemy’, putting the problem out in front of you both and figuring out a way to accomplish the one end goal which you both have in mind. It’s about asking for feedback as much as you give it.
It is not learning to be emotionless or to have stoic reactions. Actually, it’s about leaning in to your emotion and using your human experience to connect with others in a more positive way. Notice when you’re saying something negative and turn your statement into a positive. There’s always a positive side.
As you’re going through this process, there will be critics. There always are, especially if you’re spending less time with people who you normally see a lot. When friends hear what you are doing, they may say, “How will I be able to keep up with your life?” “But social media is so important to you.” “Facebook is your job, you can’t quit it. How will you _______?” “When are you going to make time for me?” “Where have you been?” “You really missed out.” “Did you see the photos I posted?”
But the biggest critic you’ll stand to face will be yourself. You will tell yourself, “I can’t function without __________.” “I would miss my friends too much.” “I would hurt their feelings.” “I can’t do that.” “But I enjoy keeping up with people.” “Social media is a great tool, and I need to use it every day.” “But _______ will think I’m mad at them.”
Thoughts like these want you to be scared. Feel the fear and do it anyways. You must do it anyways. If you want a new you, you’re going to have to make some changes. If you don’t feel better after 30 days, you’re always free to go back to your old ways. But just maybe you will love the way less negativity makes you feel.